Oh, the pain! The pain!

[sirenssong]

Why am I doing this to myself?

Okay.. .freaky guy with a beard leaping out of the bushes with a bible.

Ooh, trippy titles. The music (if you can call it that) is REALLY getting on my nerves.

::blink:: Somebody's actually claiming this SHIT???

::snerk:: Goth lesbian vampires.

Sunglasses = sunproof vampires??

"Where have all our lesbians gone?" I shit you not, that's what she just said.

Oh no! Not a lesbian shortage!!!

A priest.... with a spiky mohawk (red), studded vest, and a nose ring.

His moped helmet even has a spot for his mohawk, so it doesn't get flattened.

Apparently Jesus spends his time down on the beach building sand castles and baptizing attractive women.

Jesus.... is kinda short.

That doesn't LOOK like lemonade...

Beach fight!

Ooh, Jesus just took a crotch shot!

And Jesus lays the smackdown....

But Mohawk!Priest is ded! ::sob::

Look! Fake blood!

Jesus on a moped.... He's wearing his helmet, of course. So... when, exactly, did he LEARN to drive.

To blend in apparently Jesus feels he needs a haircut and earrings.

A dance/musical number??? WTF???

Complete with backup dancers...

Jesus plays hopscotch.

And hey! A backup dancer just bribed a little kid with candy!

They ded!

Yeah, they're dropping like flies.

A priest stole from the collection plate! Of course, he DID give it to Jesus, but still... That's kinda wrong for a priest to be doing that.

That wasn't US money... too colorful.

NO! Not atheists!

Apparently atheists are like clowns.... you can fit a shitload in a car.

Run, Jesus, run!

Where'd that guy in the blue shirt come from? Didn't see him get out of the car.

He bitch slapped Jesus!

Watch the robes, Jesus.... Hm. Boxers or briefs, I wonder?

::laugh:: Man with stick VS Jesus.

He poked Jesus with a stick!

Showoff.

Well... THAT was anticlimatic.

Hee. He just barreled head first into that atheist guy's stomach.

Okay... Jesus has a pimp-walk.

Mary Magnum (forevermore known as MM) - Apostle to the Apostle (according to her card)

She took Jesus to a sauna.

Bad touch! Bad touch!

Shopping time for Jesus!

Time for a montage of outfits...

MM's outfit o' choice is a dark red vinyl jumpsuit.

Hey! MM's hitting on Jesus.

Because Jesus can't dress himself, of course.

This movie hurts my brain....

Okay... crazy medical guy. With a wonky eye that is obviously a contact.

The dubbing is bad. Really, REALLY bad.

At least they try to explain the vampires in sunlight thing in a pseudo-scientific way. Not that I could understand a word Crazy Medical Guy was saying.

Screaming lady.... REALLY getting on my nerves now.

That was kinda stupid, Jesus. Don't follow the bad guys instructions - they tend to be planning something.

More fisticuffs.

Oh look, MM got bit.

And Jesus is getting his ass handed to him.

Bearded guy again. Still creepy.

Jesus got his ass handed to him, and now he's staggering down a street... Oh, now he fall down. :( And a cross dresser helped him.

Okay..... ::blink:: Jesus' dessert is talking to him. I think it's his dad.

Enter El Santos.... a mexican wrestler (I am NOT joking folks. I wish I was. I REALLY wish I was). Call him Mr. Silver Mask.

That's.... not funny, Santos.

My eyes! My EYES!

Eh.... ::shudder:: His teeth.

This music scares me. But not as much as this movie.

That was THAT funny either, Santos.

Jesus is getting into the music thing.... Don't quit your day job.

He's dropping the room full of vampires like nobody's business.

And he just took out a vampire with his nasty garlic breath.

Can you bless beer and have it work like holy water? Apparently so.

WHEN WILL IT END????

Vampire blows glitter in El Santos' face and he's down for the count. You's think he'd be a little bit tougher than that.

Ooh, death by plunger.

Is now really a good time to worry about your hair?

Okay.... now a statue of Mary is talking to him. First his dad getting gabby via dessert, now his mom getting a bit chatty via... a statue of herself, oddly enough.

Oh, MM's back and a vampire herself.

More ass whupping commences.

Crazy bearded guy again. ::shudder::

Boy.... Jesus is definitely short.

Oh, the priest who stole from the collection plate is a vampire. THAT'S why he stole! Not that I know if he was a vampire by that time, but hey.

OOh, Jesus got bitch slapped again.

Jesus is getting stretched. Maybe he'll get taller... At least his arms and legs will, anyway.

And MORE fisticuffs.

Boy, Jesus is bendy.

MM's back again. On a motorcycle, too.

Vampires popping out of trunks like jackrabbits?! What the HELL?

Hey, Crazy Medical Guy is wearing the jogging suit Jesus tried on in the outfit montage.

TWO Jesus' "I'm everywhere!"

Fighting with entrails.... Okey dokey.

My EYES! They BURN!

Ooh! Jesus #1 got staked. By Vampire!Priest to boot.

The light of God.... emanates from the gaping stake hole in Jesus #1's chest.

The vampires... turned to sand?

Shouldn't MM be sand by now?

Okay.... what's with Silver Mask guy #2? Where'd he come from?

Make that where'd SHE come from.

Aw, Jesus saved MM. And her girlfriend.

Oh look. Crazy beard guy in the bushes yet again.

'Hanging out with the Apostles'?

I do kinda like Jesus's final speech, though (about the message being important, not the messenger). It's not enough to save this movie. NOTHING could save this movie.

Hey, Jesus has a cell phone, too.

...

It has a THEME SONG?! ::boggle::

Did Jesus just cop a feel?

HE DID!


IT'S OVER!!! ::sobs of relief::

This movie.... This movie is enough to make one want to pull an Oedipus and stab one's eyes out with a cloak pin. It's so far BEYOND a B movie that, while it is bizarrely, twistedly humourous to watch, it is so incredibly painful that the pain outweighs the bizarre, twisted humour.